Agony Aunty III

What is your problem, eh?

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Dear Auntyji,

I am having a problem. In one month I am getting married and I am trying to lose weight but its a really difficult. I try drink diet cokes, avoiding sweets, but so far nothing is working. What should I do? I want to look good on my special day.

(Shobha from Gujarat)

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Shobha beta,

Even I am remember those days many years before when it was about to be my marriage day. I also did not want the weight and I was very curious about the secrets of the man and the wife. I did not want to do something stupid. I was also practicing to drink the cokes. But in those days they will kill you with throwing of the rocks if they catch you before the marriage. So I was having the practice with the cokes of my sister’s buffalo. But as you know this beverage it is many calories. I became a very fat with the buffalo’s milk. I did not understand it those days how it was to make the baby. So I belief I had a small buffalo in my estomach. My sister beat me with the jharoo on the estomach to kill it. gases are coming out. Too much tension, beta. I think it is a good to diet the coke. Better not have any coke at all before marriage. It is true it will rot the teeth and before wedding it is good to have the teeth. Those you are needing for the marriage fotos. But is saying of our village “a good wife is toothless goddess”- this is for 2 reason. Number one it is funny to beat the wife. If she laugh it is sign of her good sense of humour. Number two. it is better not having teeth for the drinking coke. These are the mystery tradition of our culture.

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Auntyji,

I have just one little question. My laurda [loove pamp] is too small. The condom is not fitting. What to do?

Sincerely,
(Raj from West Bengal)

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Dear Putar,

There is an English poem in my village about this problem. Let me try to recall.

If your Lauda is in a Gora it will small like Mr. Paul (he was the English teacher)

It is clear you have been inside some white randi or maybe a black one also. It a doesn’t matter. You must now do the ancient tantic magick to get back the size. Now you go and find the nearest mandir. And inside it you will find one large snake. Take the snake and wrap it tightly around the tattas. It is going to feel the pain. But not a problem. There is another poem from my village:

If your balls are feeling blue
go to traintracks make number two
feeling it the bursting vain
wave at madam on the train
not to worrry mr matka!
now your tattas feeling jhatkas

It is a nice poem. But the snake not will not care. Hold the snake. Put the nimbu on its eye. And spit! It will bite you and your laurda will fit the condom. Go to your wife. You will have long time erection. But it will painful and it will spit the venom. Do not try to make the baby with the venom. This baby will be black or a gora. Neither one is acceptable because they will the cause the small laurda in others. That is not very Gandhian as it is a social evil. So be a Gandhi not a Randi!

with regards,
your mother from far avay,
Auntiji

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The World’s Oldest Man Dies in Rajasthan (another Indian world record lol…)

I found this strangely moving…I mean…perhaps it is a question of mind over matter? I mean, I think most of us assume we’re going to kick the bucket a lot earlier than this guy…but if you knew your body was going to be your home for that long…well personally it might encourage me to take better care of it…well I don’t mean to get all senti and stuff…but perhaps myths of immortality were just parables about longevity which defies logic…and maybe its the logic that kills you? I shall experiment. I’ll let you know in 70 years…stay tuned…

image and story from the telegraph

20 Aug 2008
Habib Miyan the world’s ‘oldest man’ dies in India

Habib Miyan played the clarinet in a maharajah’s orchestra before retiring 70 years ago.

However, there is much dispute over his actual age. Although he said he was 138 years old, his pension book showed him to be a mere stripling at 129 - and the Guinness Book of Records has been unable to verify his age at all.

Miyan, who lived in Jaipur in western India, had no birth certificate but has collected a state pension for decades. He once worked in the court of the king of Jaipur - Raja Man Singh, where he played in the wind section of the orchestra.

A crowd of thousands attended Miyan’s funeral - demonstrating the fame to which he had risen in the state of Rajasthan. He died after suffering fever and dysentery, his niece Munni told reporters.

Miyan sprang to the attention of the world in 1998, when a bank clerk called Rajesh Nagpal decided to look up the records of the venerable old man who had been collecting his pension for as long as anyone could remember.

Six years later he became one of the oldest people to make the pilgrimage to Mecca - a lifelong goal for the devout Muslim.

The visit was exceptional: Miyan, who had been blind for more than 50 years and suffered limited mobility, spent most of his time at home praying and telling stories to his enormous extended family of 140 people.

“If you treat your body well, the body will treat you well,” Miyan always said, according to a relative.

Yeti Hairs discovered in India! English Experts continue to examine…

Of course people (that is to say…the natives) have known about Yetis for ages, but until those English experts get their tests done no one is going to believe the locals…of course the English don’t believe in mythical creatures like we fanciful third worlders…….they don’t believe in fairy stories like say….ones about walking on water…turning water into wine…rising from the dead…that sort of thing…nah- never..

image from ILOVETHEYETI

The Condom Song (the tv ad for the mobile ring tone)

I’m sure you’ve heard about it so why don’t you have a listen, first hand? Catchy tune-

NEW DELHI (AP) _ A cell phone ring tone that sings “Condom, condom!” has been launched to promote safe sex in India, where condoms carry a strong social stigma and HIV and AIDS are growing problems, health experts said Tuesday. The a cappella ring tone features a professional singer chanting the word condom more than 50 times, a playful approach that public health activists hope will spark discussion and make condoms more socially acceptable.

from link

An infant girl with two faces is born in suburban Delhi…

image from link

I think she’s beautiful…but I can’t help worrying what her life is going to be like. The good news is she is being worshiped as a divine incarnation…one can only hope that she gets through life feeling like twice the woman, and that the people in her life manage to protect her from all the attention. Here’s hoping!

Happy dancing Rakhi and the history of Rakshabandhan

Well here it is again and I find myself scurrying around trying to find lost addresses and envelopes to send off my rakhis- (better late than never :)) My brother-in-law lazily received his this morning as he scratched his head and asked for cornflakes. I managed to nag him and my better half to send flowers to their sisters but (hint hint) no flowers for me- alas. I’ll content myself with his gift a few days ago- a portable plastic joint carrier- (shaped something like a capped test tube- now you can smoke half a joint and hide it in your purse for later on- very cool actually and after all, you can’t smoke flowers can you?

Anyway here’s a little history on the whole Rakhi thing-

A story is told of Alexander’s wife approaching his mighty Hindu adversary Porus and tying Raakhi on his hand, seeking assurance from him for saving the life of her husband on the battlefield. And the great Hindu king, in the true traditional Kshatriya (those who belonged to the brave warrior class) style, responded; and as the legend goes, when Porus raised his hand to deliver a mortal blow to Alexander, he saw the Raakhi on his own hand and restrained from striking.

More poignant instance is the story of the princess of a small Rajput (those who belong to the state of Rajasthan) clan. It glorified the spell that the Raakhi had cast even on people of alien faiths. The princess sent a Raakhi to the Moghul Emperor Humayun to save her honor from the onslaught of the Gujarat Sultan who seized her kingdom. The emperor, then engaged in an expedition against Bengal, turned back and hastened to the rescue of his Raakhi-sister. But, alas, to his utmost sorrow, he found that the kingdom had already been perished by the invador and the princess had committed ‘Jauhaar’, i.e., leaped into the burning flames to save her honor.

The Nobel laureate poet Rabindranath Tagore used the occasion of the Raksha Bandhan as a community festival to spread the nationalist spirit among people from different ethnic backgrounds.

history from link

So there you are- and here’s another Rakhi Sawant dance following in last year’s tradition:

Happy Rakhi Sawant guys!

The item number’s called Dekhta Hai Tu Kya- Krazz4

Natalie Portman- the Sita Squid from the Doordharshan episode of the Ramayan that you missed- Carmensita- by Devendra Banhart

Is it offensive? Is it cute? Uh? My lofty minded cultural theory teacher once told me “if its silly its not orientalism” well that certainly “cleared things up” for me by making them less comprehensible- uh I don’t know and I don’t really care- I think people decide to be offended if its convenient for them to do so- so they have something to bitch about instead of focusing on their pointless, culturally bereft, insignificant existences- so I mean- so if it pissed you off why dont you go and make your own fucking video- as for me- I thought the guy- Devendra (Natalie’s current boytoy) was kind of hairy- I thought the makeup was nice- I thought the chic playing the slutty version of Kali at the end was not nearly a hot as I imagine kali would be in person- I thought Natalie did a really stupid imitation of indian dance- I mean even the extras were better- but I thought the beastiality with the squid was very sexy after the whole Sita sati and added just that missing trope that would have made the original Ramayana that much better. So check it out. And can someone explain the lyrics if you know spanish- cuz I don’t exactly see the relationship between the video and the music. anyway…enjoy-

Invoking the cosmic wonder of his beard and Bollywood, Devendra Banhart’s latest music video is both a love story and a tongue-in-cheek nod to India’s maharajas of yore. In “Carmensita,” the newest single from his latest album, Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon, Devandra and his uber-hot (and unlikely girlfriend) Natalie Portman get down to psychedelic-indie, all while saving the Kindom of Carmensita from the clutches of Lord Rajan the Malevolent. When taunting the Prince (played by Devendra), Lord Rajan bellows, “You think you can defeat me with your rebellious beard?” Later on, Devendra kills Lord Rajan by shooting venomous snakes out of his forehead. This is arguably 2008’s most badass moment in music videos.

from zimbio.com

Snoop Dogg wears a turban- Singh is King!

this song features RDB (Rhythm, Dhol, Bass), Snoop Doggy Dogg, and Akshay Kumar- it’s from the Motion Picture, Singh is King, starring Akshay Kumar. By the way the song is the best part of the film, which is otherwise a piece of excrement.

image from worth1000

Manmohan Singh tells Advani to change his astrologers- lol-

So…the government hasn’t toppled, and to celebrate- Manmohan Singh “sympathizes” with Advani by calling him a old timer who’s been led astray by his astrologers:

NEW DELHI: Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Tuesday took a sharp dig at Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) leader L.K. Advani saying he had made “at least three attempts to topple our government… but on each occasion his astrologers have misled him”.

“This pattern, I am sure, will be repeated today,” the prime minister said in his reply to the two-day debate on the vote of confidence in his government. The prime minister, however, could not deliver his speech due to repeated heckling by the opposition and copies of his address were distributed.

Recalling that Advani had repeatedly described him as the “weakest prime minister” and a “nikamma (useless) PM”, Manmohan Singh said with uncharacteristic vitriol: “At his ripe old age (Advani is 81), I do not expect Shri Advani to change his thinking. But for his sake and India’s sake, I urge him at least to change his astrologers so that he gets more accurate predictions of things to come.”

from newindpress

Biggest Gay Pride March in India’s History, June 2008

BBC clip:

Its insane when you actually stop and think about how fucked up India still is about homosexuality- you’d think everyone could get over this prudish Victorian wet dream and enjoy the fact of the extreme range of diversity that has been and continues to be an integral part of its history- but nope- if you’re gay, not only do you have to contend with either staying in the closet indefinitely (faking a hetero marriage) or the fact that the basic day to day parts of life can involve people treating you like shit if you’re open about your sexuality (building societies refusing to rent you a place/ families bullying you/trouble with careers etc) but you also have to worry about the fact that the actual act of having sex with the people you desire could result in your being thrown in jail- especially if you come from lower economy communities- and on top of that- having a higher risk of getting AIDS because there are so few healthy scenes where people of these communities can actually practice safe sex- for you heteros out there- imagine a world where every time you felt like bonking- you had to ask yourself whether it was worth getting thrown into jail for it- or dieing of AIDS.

It irritates the hell out of me when I think about how many people I know have led such fucked up lives because of this Nazi bullshit.

For a city of 14 million people, a gathering of a couple of hundred may seem minuscule. But for Delhi’s gay community, the turnout at their first-ever Queer Pride this Sunday was beyond belief. Over 500 marchers carrying rainbow-colored flags and “Queer Dilliwalla” banners marched to bhangra beats, breaking into Bollywood-style pelvic thrusts and bust-heaving from time to time. Starting from Barakhamba Road in the heart of the city’s business district — at which point the media seemed to outnumber the marchers — they walked 2 km to Jantar Mantar, an 18th century astronomical observatory that has become the unlikely hub of sundry protests in India’s capital. Along the way, they were joined by NGO workers and advocates of all causes, droves of tourists and resident expatriates, and a handful of curious onlookers, all shouting “British Law Quit India!” They were evoking the famous slogan from India’s freedom struggle, but referring here to Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, which was introduced by the British to criminalize sexual acts “against the order of nature.” Perhaps even more unexpectedly, few marchers wore masks — which the organizers had provided for those who haven’t come out — and there were no protests from religious or socially conservative groups. “This is amazing,” said Ranjit Monga, a public relations executive, “No one would’ve believed 10 years ago a gay parade was possible in Delhi.”

for the full story go to Time

BLACKBERRY’s Indian BIG Brother

image from bbgeeks

Oye- I’ve been wanting to buy me one of those little gremlins- not so sure anymore- oh well- I guess its just as bad as anyone holding an American passport- do you know they have little tracking devices in those things these days? You can smash it with a hammer if you like. Anyway, here’s the find on why Blackberries piss of the Indian secret service:

The reason you may not be able to get a BlackBerry in the very near future in India is that the Indian government is not comfortable that it can’t lawfully snoop on its citizens’ e-mails, since there are no BlackBerry servers owned by Research In Motion (RIM) that handle the e-mail inside the country. TechGadgets is reporting that the revelation came from Tata Services, which had requested to offer BlackBerry handhelds in India, but was denied that request due to the security concerns of the government.

I’d understand if Indian officials said they were uncomfortable with the notion of government officials using the device, since the e-mail servers processing the information were not in India; but that’s not what it is saying, according to the TechGadget’s article. It is saying the BlackBerry can’t be offered because the content of those handhelds can’t be monitored. That’s breathtaking.

Talk about Big Brother. If I was a citizen of India, then I’m not sure I would want a BlackBerry based on the revelation. Heck, now that I think of it, I wouldn’t want any push e-mail service offered in India. After all, in order to clear the Indian government’s approval process it would of had to provide a way to monitor the e-mail.

I won’t be surprised if RIM offers a solution to address India’s concern. After all, RIM wants its BlackBerry handhelds in India. At the end of the day, I suppose if you have nothing to hide perhaps you wouldn’t mind picking one up if they are offered. Just be prepared to have all of your e-mails from the device monitored and accessible, though.

from geek.com by Brian Osborne

Hot auntie phone sex- Goodness Gracious Me-

for you perverts out there- this is not porn-

Savita Bhabhi- finally some Indian Manga porn

If you haven’t seen it yet- you just have to! Its like an online illustrated pornographic answer to “Goodness Gracious Me”. Savita Bhabhi been doing the rounds when it arrived in my Mr.’s inbox from the usual suspects, and perhaps some sense of incredulity that it in fact, actually exists, prevented me from sticking it up- but as all and sundry seem to have seen it by now (that is to say every male in India) I may as well post it-

As usual it has elicited the standard moral uproar - media as corrupting influence upon the youth of our nation etc.-

GreatBong:

A new menace is here, an insidious agent of malignancy that creeps silently into your bedrooms (and yes even offices when the boss is not around). Assuming the form of electron streams, it activates pixels on your computer screen with certain poisonous RGB values which, before you know, sap you of your morals, your humanity and also more than a bit of your energy.

As articulated beautifully by an outraged Netizen, a person who suggests the CBI to step in to arrest the content creators of the site.

In my opinion this site is more dangerous than a normal adult site since it targets young Indian audience and degrades women.

I agree. Most normal adult sites do not target younger audiences and depict women as fully-rounded individuals with feelings as opposed to just a composition of attractive body parts.

There appears to be some sort of mystery regarding the hidden identity of the two guys who invented Savita Bhabhi and her website, and suspicious speculation regarding whether or not these guys are from India. It seems like the curiosity surrounding this suggests that for most people a joke cannot stand without clarity about the ethnicity of the comedians. If they are white guys then it may mean that a potentially self-reflexive parody of Saas-Bahu middle class morality combined with fresh wank material- becomes contaminated suddenly by the gaze of two white cyber geeks- for the sensitive patriotic wanker its like the moment when you realize that sexkitten69 is really an old pedophile named Edgar. And the flag goes suddenly to half mast at the thought of yet another diabolical act of cultural appropriation- which invariably brings out the “older brother syndrome” in even the most testosterone poisoned of patriots-
(she may be a toon but she’s still our Bhabhi and only we get to fantacize about her cup size you bloody Caucasian hemorrhoid)

here’s a link to an article on it with Tehelka,

Savita Bhabhi is growing to be a phenomenally popular pornographic comic strip. It has grown solely by word of mouth to 3911 registered users in little over a month since its inception. The lead character has been drawn with every Kserial bahu trapping firmly in place: the dull gleam of a mangalsutra, sindoor forming a bright contrast to long dark hair parted chastely down the middle.

The bhabhi angle is a clever one. It combines an astute reading of the Indian sensibility with the ability to poke it in the eye. Graphic novelist Sarnath Banerjee is writing a book tentatively titled Libido, that will include factofiction tales of sexuality in India. He says, “Writing good pornography, or erotica, needs rigour and an understanding of humanity. You are an anthropologist looking at socio-psychology.” And Indians have a head start at being creative here since, Banerjee says, “You have to be repressed to write good pornography. For me, I was fascinated when I saw these prostitutes in Amsterdam, coming as I did from the usual anal middle class and its protected environment where sexy was Ms Peters, the geography teacher.”

The message boards on the website are rhapsodic in their unanimous approval of this venture by Messrs Deshmukh, Dexstar, and Mad. (Deshmukh writes the scripts while Dexstar and Mad do the artwork and design). One is curious about the identities of this suspiciously anglicised sounding group. From the message boards we glean that the animators are happy to read unsolicited scripts written by fans but that they have to be in English as they don’t understand Hindi. Given that the context within which they are trying to operate is making it hip to be Hindi, this is curious. On the one hand, their work seems meant for mass consumption by people who read bhasha erotica; on the other, it makes fun of the stereotypes those brigades enjoy.

On the subject of repression- Sarnath makes an interesting point- reminds me of a certain friend who used to frenetically draw deranged pornographic pictures as a kid to cope with the monotony of small town living and the occasional erotic encounter with the bearded version of Mrs. Robinson or the fat girl next door. And I think the whole anthropological side of it is definitely there too- if you want to get an insight into another culture- watch their porn first- if Savita Bhabhi gives you a sense of where incest prohibition in a large extended families creates a country full of men who desperately want to gouge their eyes out or screw their cousin sisters (perhaps the later before the former) then Japanese Hentai gives you a sense that rape is pretty much the way romance is imagined, after the chocolate and roses have been put aside- from various accounts through the testosterone grape-vine- Japanese women feel that they are required to scream throughout the experience and cry if possible. charming.

Another Gratuitous Raunchy Rain Dance

Well its that time of the year again- rain beating down against my windows relentlessly- creating the right kind of gothic atmosphere for some ritual baby sacrifices or perhaps just a torrid Bollywood love affair. I tend to search out some decent monsoon ragas and rain songs to go along with the season so click on the “Rain Songs” tab to the left for last year’s stash. Of course it is also necessarily that time of year to watch some of the lurid rain dances on youtube- most of them are bad dancers who don’t do the whole drenched femme fatale bit very well but probably shagged some b-grade director for a bit part- all except for this one- Nida chaudhry-who has probably the sleaziest latkas-jaktkas I’ve ever seen and is my personal favorite- I found one of her last year which remains a truck driver classic but I think this year’s performance far surpasses last years find. enjoy.

Click on the “Rain Songs” tab to hear some monsoon songs

A Ghost Funeral: The Last Mughal King haunts Red Fort

story from Hindustan Times image from wikimedia

It is said that on many Thursday nights, a ghost procession led by the last Mughal king and his beautiful consort went around the Red Fort. The procession was possibly that of one of Zafar’s children who died at the hands of the British.

In the 19th century when hundreds of minor principalities had divided India, Bahadur Shah Zafar, the last Mughal king, was reduced to preside over the dwindling empire in Delhi. The last ruler of the Timurid Dynasty, he was the son of Akbar Shah II by his Hindu wife Lalbai.

A published account in media says: “The apparition of the King was of average height, with broad shoulders, long arms but unusually short legs. The queen was tall like the letter Alif, as graceful as a cypress tree, with long raven-coloured hair; she had a narrow waist and short feet fitted in sandals adorned with pearls, which glittered in the moonlight.”

The people witnessed to this ghost procession say, “The King always wore loose pyjamas and the queen invariably spotted a long, gold-laced gharara, with a golden cummerbund, which reached almost to the ground and rustled in the breeze.”

Both apparitions appeared to be grief-stricken, because of the sudden demise of their child. They walked along the procession in measured steps, almost regally. The King’s head always mournfully dropped on his shoulder.

While some part of Bahadur Shah’s opus was lost or destroyed during the unrest of 1857-1858, a large collection did survive, and was later compiled into the Kulliyyat-i Zafar. Zafar’s poetries were about love and mysticism, with Delhi as the backdrop. Some say since Zafar was in love with his writings and that he revisits his preserved writings in the moonlight.

Zafar’s gazal from bestghazals